has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully…
I will no longer be able to serve
the Southern United States
on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population
of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract
I also get longer breaks
for milk and cookies….
I’m certain that your children
will be in good hands
with your local replacement
(who happens to be my third cousin),
His side of the family
is from the South Pole.
He shares my goal
of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls;
there are a few differences between us…
1. There is no danger of a Grinch
stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh
and bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies,
Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds
[or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe.
He dips a little snuff though,
so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh
is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs
instead of reindeer.
I made the mistake
of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen’s head now
overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear
"On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …"
when Bubba Claus arrives.
Instead, you’ll hear,
"On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and
Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett,
on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced
by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear
Bubba’s elves respond,
"I her’d dat!"
6. As required
by Southern highway laws,
Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam
safety triangle on the back
with the words
The last I heard
it also had other decorations
on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo
with lights that race through the letters
and the other is
a caricature of me (Santa Claus)
going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics
such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It’s a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown
in your negotiated viewing area.
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt.
If I were you,
I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids
turn the other way
when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally,
lovely Christmas songs
That have been sung about me
like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer"
and Bing Crosby’s
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
This year songs about Bubba Claus
will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the South.
Those song titles will be:
"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,"
Cledus T. Judd’s
"All I Want for Christmas
Is My Woman and a Six Pack,"
and Hank Williams Jr.’s
"If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus,
You Can Shove It."
North American Fairies and Elves