* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
* Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA – I came, I saw, I shopped.
* If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
* STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* Clones are people two.
* If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
* Go ahead and take risks….just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
* No one ever says "It’s only a game," when their team is winning.
* As I said before, I never repeat myself!
* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
* Think "honk" if you’re telepathic.
* Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
* If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, "The whole time."
* So what’s the speed of dark?
* After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
* Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
* If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
* I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
* Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
* Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
* Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
* How come abbreviated is such a long word?
* If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
* Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?